How Does Our Demeanor Affect Our Experiences?

We are often told by some women that women (in general) have a unique and crumby experience in the world. Men are constantly ogling them, making inappropriate remarks, sexualizing them, and just generally being creepy. We are told that this is the nature of being a women, or at least a somewhat attractive women. This is bullshit.

Women have radically different experiences in the world. This isn’t nearly based on their looks as much as it is based off of their demeanor. Many women know this (almost every one of my female friends, and almost every girl I’ve ever dated), but I think they find little reason to contradict the victim peddlers because they’ve seen it a little and they generally don’t understand the roots of the issue, or just don’t care.

My wife and last several girlfriends before I was married were/are pretty ladies. They were all kind people, attractive faces, and attractive bodies. However, they got public attention very rarely … like super rare. While some of this had to do with the circles they chose to hang out in, the main issue was the demeanor they presented to the world.

When my wife and former girlfriends entered public areas they were somewhat friendly, disinterested in approval, no chips on their shoulders, focused on their business, relatively modestly dressed, and they seemed like someone who could handle themselves in adverse situations.

This demeanor shoots down most motivations men could have for making inappropriate or problematic public comments. If a guy wants attention or approval, there are people who will probably offer that better. If a guy wants to make other people uncomfortable in order to feel strong, there are people who are better targets. If a guy wants to try to neg a girl to lay the groundwork for sex, there is nothing that seems appealing about this person. If a guy resents women, there are much jerkier women to target. If a guy is looking for a new girlfriend, there are much better circumstances to try to find that. There are some subcultures where this won’t matter as much. Some subcultures treat women in general super crudely. While your demeanor will change the frequency it occurs, it will still happen.

There are other women I know who handle social situations significantly differently. They are extremely outgoing and greatly enjoy various types of social interactions and commentary. They don’t feel victimized by men, and they enjoy being mildly flirty and social. When comments are made, they often have a witty retort or cute gesture. These women present a vastly different demeanor and get a ton of social attention and commentary … and that makes sense, since they are kind of going for it. These women have radically different experiences of reality than the women I usually have dated.

There are other demeanors that will invite radically different experiences of reality. If you are kind of a bitch, you will somehow magically notice that everyone is an asshole. If you come off like prey, you will attract predators. I don’t have many friends like this, but you see them around plenty enough. There are other demeanors that attract different responses from people. In fact, we are incredibly complex and our own individual demeanors attract an incredibly unique response from reality.

We aren’t to blame for how people treat us. If someone acts like a jerk, they are an asshole and if someone assaults us, they are a violent criminal. However, we are living in a delusional time where people are trying to act like how we present ourselves to the world doesn’t have a large effect on how people act with us. It is enormous. We all have positive and negative experiences in social situations, it is just going to be a basic fact about reality. Your demeanor will highly influence your results, but it isn’t some magic wand that makes for great interactions. Sometimes people are assholes and we all have to deal with that.

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Aaron White

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