I’ve been in an audit by the IRS for over two years now concerning my 2015 return. I suppose my constant challenges of jurisdiction have a way of delaying the process. However, I’m thinking of trying a new approach: asserting my patriarchy. The tax agent that began this process is a woman. Doesn’t she know that as a man I have authority over her? This entire process should have never gotten past, “Mr. Collins, we are going to audit your tax return,” without being followed by, “Oh wait, nevermind. You are in the patriarchy, and I’m not. Have a good day!” To think that a mere woman would have any authority over a mighty man for any reason is incomprehensible and unconscionable! Come to think of it, that parking ticket officer may have been a woman, too. Give me back my $20, bitch! And that’s today’s two cents.