That Feeling of Desperation

The absolute most intense feelings I remember having in my early childhood was my desire to sleep with my parents. This desire extended to desire any company to such a degree that I offered my brother anything he could possibly want for me to be allowed to sleep with him. I owed my brother unlimited amounts of just about anything he possibly wanted until I was about 5-6, this is because after my parents went to sleep every night I used to offer him anything he desired in order to sleep with him.

I don’t relate to these feelings in some sort of practical sense today. I like sleeping by myself. However, what has really stuck with me is the memory of intense desire, panic, fear, and loneliness I felt in my youth. It is hard to write out the extent of loneliness you feel as a little child who has to deeply beg outside your parents door to sleep with them while the door is locked and they have convinced themselves that ignoring you is the best option. I think most people forget this era of their life. It is the most intense feeling I remember having (by far) in my youth and it is more intense than almost anything I ever feel today.

This memory is one of the most precious things that lingers in my mind from my youth. While I have moved on, feel no resentment and don’t retain animosity for this … I almost fear these memories will lose their power in my mind and so I subconsciously hold on to them in fear that my complacency in life will fade the memory away.

It is 10:28pm. I am laying with one daughter in each of my arm (2 and 5) as they sleep and I feel incredible gratitude that they will never feel the feelings I felt. I try to conjure the feelings I felt in my youth in order for me to see the importance of the moment I am living in right now.

I no longer feel any of the loneliness I felt in my youth. However, that feeling of desperation was the strongest feeling I remember having as a child. I am happy to have some shitty sleep here and there to make sure they dont have the same experience. It is a weird thing to convey these feelings … I don’t think most people remember the feelings they had before they were 5-6 and it desensitizes them to the experiences of children. The fear and desperation I felt is important to me, and I am glad I haven’t forgot it.

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ADD is Probably a Farce

The two main barriers to learning are anxiety and disinterest/boredom.

Most people who are said to have ADD, dyslexia, and other learning impediments really have a problem conforming to a flawed system that have instilled anxiety and haven’t captured their interest.

Many kids who are told and maybe believe they have ADD learn to play video games well and can focus for hours completing a goal in a game. However, the same child can’t focus on something that gives them anxiety and is boring for 5 minutes. If this is the case, you don’t have ADD. You are learning the wrong things at the wrong times in the wrong ways.

The moment I can buy the ADD story is when a kid can’t focus on video games and other enjoyable tasks.

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The Value of Skipping Time

If you could snap your fingers and make time move ahead one hour, how often would you utilize it?

This was a question I, maybe oddly, considered a lot growing up. I would regularly think, I wish I could snap my fingers and this class would be over, or the school day, or the week. I would look at the time while sitting in my class and fantasize about having the power to move time ahead, or just skip ahead. I remember even trying to think hard enough and somehow make time move by sheer will (because I watched too many dumb movies about magic, super powers, and other supernatural phenomenon). In retrospect it seems incredibly sad, and as time goes on, it is getting sadder.

My time feels so precious to me. The concept of skipping hours and days of my life to relieve excruciating boredom seems pitiful. I will lose an hour that I can’t ever get back. Sure, I could use it every once in a while when experiencing intense pain, but surely it would be less than a couple of hours a year.

I think many people forget the intense boredom of schooling. I think they forget their feelings of being treated like an inferior. Too often it is just false/ingrained narratives and flashes of memorable positive moments that remain of people’s idea of schooling. I think the only way for me to desire to skip time again in the same way was if I were to go to prison. However, that would kind of make sense, school is prison.

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Kids Who Aren’t There

Before the 90s, kids first started going out to play unsupervised at some point between 5-8 years old. Today this has changed to 10-16 years old.

I was just considering how this happens. You probably don’t need 100% of people to agree on the change. In fact, you probably only need a small minority. The reason the change happens to most kids lead by small percentages is because kids need other kids to go outside and play. If 15% of kids are pulled from the available outside playing options from over-worried and -controlling parents, playing outside with friends has less appeal. For some kids this removes their available friend or two to play with and this forces them inside by default. For others, it takes their group from 7 down to 6. However, reducing a friend group makes that group less appealing.

Once you make entertainment in the home better, this makes it so it starts pushing another small fraction in the home. Eventually, there aren’t kids outside to play with and we arrive at a new normal where kids playing unsupervised outside appears irregular, and eventually appears like bad parenting.

The problem is, I don’t see how to rewind. I can’t let my 5 year old out to play with kids who aren’t there. So, we have to bring them to parks and play dates. It’s a pretty sad situation.

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Exercising Power Based on a Whim

Life isn’t fair.

That being said … Most of the time I hear someone say the phrase “life isn’t fair” it is merely used to justify assholery.

Teachers, parents and other central planners decide certain aspects of how people, usually children, are treated. People like to think these people are objective, considerate, and have a sense of justice in how they treat people. When a person believes that this person of authority violated their implied objectivity, consideration, or sense of justice … it will often come in the form of telling them that they aren’t being fair.

In response the “authority” tells them, “Life isn’t fair”. This is akin to admitting that you have no sense of objectivity, consideration and sense of justice. In this moment, the child feels like he has to heed what you say, not out of a sense of principle, or ideology … But rather just due to the fact that you have power and you really just told him that you exercise that power arbitrarily based off of your whim.

Sure, people can say something isn’t fair when it actually is fine given the circumstances. This makes for a great opportunity to learn, grow and communicate with people and to show them the boundaries of your beliefs and power. Saying “life isn’t fair” in this circumstance is just being an asshole and you will lose the respect of the people you are leading.

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Intelligence, Knowledge, and Self-Respect

Intelligence without ego-strength, a vibrant knowledge base containing various ideologies, and self-respect means little. It will largely mean you are a calculator, an emotional reactionary, or an eloquent parrot.

Everyone adopts poor ideas. We all overgeneralize our narratives and experience. These cognitive issues run through all of us, but it can be what defines you as a thinker and actor, or it can merely color our perspectives. Without the ego-strength to consider unpopular ideas, a knowledge base which can challenge your own premises, and and the integrity and conviction to stand by your own thoughts … you will retreat to the ideas that are most comforting. This means, you will parrot those around you, and/or you will justify and defend your own emotional experiences.

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